Lost Dean Martin Lyrics Discovered in Hollywood Thrift Store

HOLLYWOOD – Dean Martin (b. Dino Crocetti, 1917) rose to international fame as the swaggering crooner of such hits as “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head”, “That’s Amore” and other song standards he did not write. The Italian-American charmer wasn’t generally known as a songwriter – that is until now.

A steno-pad-filled briefcase found in a Hollywood Goodwill store this week is believed to contain the complete, never performed lyrics written by the late singer/alcoholic who died in 1995.

When Gabe Lackey bought said briefcase for $15 he had no idea what he was in for. “I wasn’t shopping for anything; I was just really depressed, walking around this filthy store, I don’t know why, just looking at all the junk to take my mind off my ex-girlfriend, who’s a lying bitch.”

Deano autograph

Lackey, a 28-year-old production assistant on “The Steve Harvey Show”, showed the steno pads, some dated back to 1951, to his roommate, unemployed stenographer Val Allen.

“I’d call it a stroke of luck that I’m a stenographer,” says Allen, “because I have the ability to look at shorthand and translate it into actual words.”

Lucky indeed, as shorthand, invented by John Robert Gregg in 1888, looks to the common person like the spasmodic chicken-scratch of a functionally retarded schizophrenic.

But to sensitive men with Associates Degrees from vocational college like Allen, that wild scribbling turns into something entirely different – words and phrases.

***

A bottle of scotch, a blowjob and one million bucks

Memories are made of these things

***

And so the two roommates spent the subsequent weekend smoking massive bowls, eating frozen chocolate chip waffles and conjuring up the spirit of the deceased ladies man at the kitchen table of their Los Feliz apartment.

***

Anything you can do I can do drunker

I’ll drink a bottle of Chivas right now

Anything you can sing I can slur better

I can slur all my words and people will laugh

***

Literary experts have yet to monetarily appraise the collection, but Lackey is optimistic he’ll soon be able to quit his day job. “I’m just gonna show up and be like ‘yo Harvey, eat this (raises middle finger). Later bitch!”

***

Everybody loves the money I give them

drivers and whores and doormen and kids

I don’t really have any friends

just a bunch of yes men and a whore or two

and a bottle of aspirin

***

Even if the document does prove to be genuine, some literary experts remain skeptical that what the Cannonball Run alumnus actually created was in fact actual poetry.

Dean Martin

“It sounds,” explains Casper Forster, a UC-Irvine English professor, “like he got really shitfaced, started changing the words to the songs he knew so they referenced booze, fame and sex and then called his secretary in the middle of the night to record his ideas. I could be mistaken; I admit I’m more of a linguist than a aesthetician.”

***

How unlucky can one guy be

when that one guy he’s gotta pee

like a fella once said

mister can I use the head?

***

“Of course it’s poetry,” Lackey sniffs. “It rhymes, doesn’t it? Poetry rhymes. And it doesn’t even have to rhyme. He has plenty of un-rhyming stuff too. He was very versatile.”

***

I just peed the lazy-boy

again

and I don’t care

the TV signed off hours ago

my inside feels like the snowy picture tube static I

see before me

and I can’t feel my left arm

***

Who are they kidding with these Beatle fags?

They have long hair like a broad and they sing like chipmunks

First there was Elvis and now this,

What the fuck?

***

Ed Culver, who teaches a course at the Learning Annex called “Keep A Dream Journal,” sits firmly in the “yes it’s poetry” camp. “What I find remarkable is the way he evokes an allegorical landscape of cold war existential ennui. In Martin’s jaded, cirrhotic worldview, we’re all lying in hell, being roasted by Don Rickles.”

***

You’re nobody if I’ve never heard of you

And if you’ve never been on Johnny, man you don’t exist.

And if you’ve only been on Johnny or Jack

when I was in the john or half in the sack

well maybe I’d talk to your wife but not to you

***

“What this discovery will do,” explained Culver, “is it will force the public to view the drunker half of Martin and Lewis in a whole new light. He’s already associated with the spotlight, but this is more of a small reading light, like if you wanted to read in bed.”

***

I knew a man named Sammy and he had one eye

he’s a funny little guy

He does some kooky things like turn himself into a Jew

Now he’s the chosen few

Mr Sammy Davis

Mr Sammy Davis

Mr Sammy Davis

Dance

***

“A lot of this stuff seems like ad-libs,” said Lackey. “I always thought (Martin) was an improvisational genius, what with his witty repartee in that old Rat Pack footage. But he didn’t wing it. Everything was planned.”

Somewhat more perplexing however is the author’s post modern tendency to shift narrative perspective:

I hate my job

My boss is a letch

he thinks he’s being funny

but he’s a drunk

and I find it disgusting

but still it pays well

“It’s unclear whether his secretary helped him with some of the verses,” said Culver. “But when you read a Dean Martin song lyric, man, you know it could only be the one and only Dean (Martin)”

***

Drivin’ ’round the corner

honkin’ at the girls of junior high

They’re waitin’ for the school bus

I’m on my way to get some Chinese shrimp and noodles and some more vodka, guy.

***

“It’s kind of empowering for men, actually,” Allen muses. “When the translation gets published, it’ll probably outsell that Iron John dude.”

“It’ll outsell the Iron Chef dude,” adds Lackey. “We are getting SO laid!”

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One Response to “Lost Dean Martin Lyrics Discovered in Hollywood Thrift Store”

  1. I read some of the posts and I think it is a great site. I like to emphasize my more frustration Sorry, for off top, i wanna tell one joke) Why wouldn’t the bike move very fast?? It was too tired!!

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