Archive for February 9, 2005

Blake asked random strangers to kill wife

Posted in News & Commentary on February 9, 2005 by G Lopez

Robert Blake

LOS ANGELES – After a week of testimony from drug-addled stuntmen and Mafioso-turned-TV-bit-players with nicknames like “Duffy”, “Snuffy” and “Spacetripper” McClarty, the Robert Blake trial revealed more startling allegations from complete strangers with no apparent criminal history whom Blake had solicited to “pop”, “annihilate”, “whack”, “ice” ,”evaporate” and “deep six” Bonnie “Lee” Blakely, his wife and mother of his daughter “Rose”.

Walter “Chubby” Greenpenny, an unemployed pipe fitter of Atwater Village, said Blake answered his Pennysaver ™ ad and said, “I have not much use for a pipe fitter, I would however pay you 10,000 to ‘snuff’ this horrible woman who has ruined my life.”

Jamba Juice Team Leader Hilary “Muff” Winterfrost, claimed that Blake came into her store with Blakely, ordered a Strawberry Nirvana, asked the 21-year old to “assassinate” his wife, pointing to the blond woman and slipped a dollar into the tip jar, winking.

Absolute bloody rubbish

Although Nigel “Wooly” Wiggins has no first hand knowledge of the case or anything else that isn’t the game of cricket, he finds these allegations dubious. “How can these people really exist? I mean, it’s perfectly ridiculous, I must say! I think the allegations are dodgy and I’m not even British!”

Blake’s defense continued to argue that Blake loved the one-time hook-up of Christian Brando and mail-order entrepreneur. “He said he didn’t want to screw it up. And he kept his word. Some other guy is the word-breaker here, not Blake.”

Sunglasses At Night

Barry “The Bishop” Sylvester, who bears a striking resemblance to Doors keyboardist Ray Manzerek but does not play an instrument himself took the stand at the end of the day and described is late night run in with the star of “In Cold Blood”.

“I was leaning against my mint Camaro outside the 7-11 on Yucca Street. It was balmy, hazy Friday night. I had just polished of a six of MGD and I was feeling pretty good. Then this Dodge Viper pulls up and all of the sudden I did not feel so cocky. I mean this car was bad-ass.

“So who leans out the window but Robert Blake. I knew who he was see because I used to work in a video store and I know a lot about actors. I go, ‘hey you’re Robert Blake!’ and he’s like ‘Yeah whatever kid, could you do something to my wife?’

“I can’t remember if he said ‘extinguish’ or ‘ice’. Not ‘ice’ but something like it like ‘freeze’ or ‘chill’; it was something frost-related. Anyway if it was my wife, I’d have done the same thing. I’m not married though. And if I did get married, it wouldn’t be to no porno prostitute.

“That’s why they call me ‘The Bishop’. That and I’m a really big fan of Stephen Bishop, especially his recording of the theme from ‘Tootsie’.”

Genetic Engineering for Dummies

Armchair Harley Davidson enthusiast King “Snake” Greely dismisses any and all slanderous aspersions on Blakely’s character.

“Bonnie was just of her element. What chance did she have growing up poor, white and female in this male dominated, porno-loving blue marble we’re livin’ on? She’s not going to star in her own 70s detective series, is she? There was no pretty cockatiel on her shoulder, was there?

“People like this exist in every city; they’re the ‘lowlifes’, the ‘street scum’, the ‘n’er do wells’. Should we just go town to town and wipe them all out? Would that make you feel more comfortable in your Hollywood hideaways you rich slimy fucks? You people make me sick.”