Archive for July 22, 2004

Dennis Miller Redefines Sucking

Posted in News & Commentary on July 22, 2004 by G Lopez

BURBANK, CA – On his daily CNBC show ‘Dennis Miller,’ Dennis Miller is changing the way people view sucking.

As thousands of cable subscribers sat frozen in a state of ‘pure existential pity and remorse,’ the 78-year old television personality disassembled the fundamental layers of sucking and put together a brand new method of sucking in a dazzling sucky display.

Superior Board of Intellects (SBI) co-chair Barry K. Lenz, has been studying the downfall of the once amusing comic from the comfort of his futon, offering various books to back up his claims, large books filled with words that he points to in order to emphasize certain phrases.

“When you look up ‘sucking’ in the dictionary,” explained Lenz, “it’s not there. ‘Suck’ is there, but not ‘sucking’ – oh wait, there it is.”

His 9 year-old son and violin prodigy Evan Shipp puts it more bluntly, “I haven’t seen someone suck this hard since Spongebob almost drown and Patrick sucked-up the whole ocean just to save him.”

Barry, who is only allowed to see his son on weekends elaborated, “On Monday, while everyone watching wished they could drink anti-freeze and die instantly, he opened the show with a Jim Jones-like plea to call a 1-800 number and ‘join’ the studio audience.

“Then, after some timely Martha Stewart two-liners which he punctuated by falling over his desk, I knew he had in fact reconstructed our entire perception of what is possible in the realm of sucking.”

Barry’s girlfriend, Tamara Wabash, a Fine Arts major at Bucolic University, expressed her views on the comedian’s performance by showing a succession of black and white stills of the program and accompanying them with catchphrases like, “hey look I’m sucking!” and “Is it hot in here or do I suck?”

Her room mate, Nygyl Vyktym – Cockney lead singer of British punk group Rottyng Entrails concurs, “‘es bloody shit, ‘es a stupid focker’

Herschel Cake, author of “The Complete Guide To Sucking” has already began a complete revision of his popular 575-page text and he’s not alone. Dale Wishcroft, author of “The Idiots Guide To Sucking” and Fran Delaware author of “The COMPLETE Idiot’s Guide to Sucking” both promise to have new editions of their respective tomes out sometime this fall.

When asked how he does it, the former late-night funnyman said, “You call this a topic? I haven’t seen reasoning this unfocused since Al Bundy tried to turn his shoe store into a nightclub. Really, I haven’t seen anyone so divorced from logic since Zsa Zsa thought she could bitch slap her way out of a parking ticket.”

And then he called me “Chachi.” Genius? Trailblazer? Shill? We shall see as the seashell sees. Of course that’s just my opinion. I could be wronger.