Mary Kate Olson Interview

HOLLYWOOD – Every two weeks or so, someone will accost me and tell me about how they wish they could buy a newspaper or magazine that was devoted to reporting on the ‘business of show’ – and not just one segment of show business, but a variety of aspects of the biz.

Both coasts of these here United States hunger for a Hollywood-based reporter and I give and I give and what do I get in return? I get my heart sucked from my torso, flambéed and then doused with floral scented Clorox.

Hollywood is a flaming slaughterhouse of bleached victims. Some of the victims are writhing in the streets, waiting for the bus or scanning the Musicians Wanted ads in City Beat. Others, like Mary Kate Olson, have their pain plastered in a full color gore-spread on supermarket lines across the nation. Well I won’t have it!

Whilst waiting for a taco dinner, I reached for my cell and called her people and was of course “put on hold.” This is a common tack here in Tinsletown – but six hours? So I paid them a personal visit and was treated coolly, standoffishly. Forthwith I realized they were reaching for the red security button under the desk, and I blurted out who I was and that I wrote for a program that is distributed for a show that is directed by a guy who wrote for SNL which at one point starred Wil Ferrel who will be opening a big summer comedy called ‘Dodge ball.’ That last part got their attention and they cooled out a bit. One of them offered me a beer from the mini fridge. I took it and was like ‘yeah.’

After waiting in the office four more hours, I got my interview date and was scheduled to meet Mary Kate at Kenny Rogers Fried Chicken on the world famous La Brea Avenue in Hollywood.

BIGNEWS: Thanks for taking the time, Mary Kate.

MKO: It’s your dime.

BIGNEWS: Huh? Mark Kate, in that milk poster, you’re wearing a Velvet Underground Banana T-shirt.

MKO: A what?

BIGNEWS: The banana. The Andy Warhol thing.

MKO: Oh yeah. I love him.

BIGNEWS: Lou Reed?

MKO: No. Andy Warhol. What’s the Velvet Underground?

BIGNEWS: They sang those songs in the 60s about scoring drugs. (sings) ‘I’m Waiting For My Man!’

MKO: Oh yeah that’s a great song! I Like ‘Heroin!’

BIGNEWS: ‘It’s my life and it’s my wife’

MKO: Right! Dude, we should get together after I get out of rehab, turn on the black light and put on Sister Ray. Loud!

BIGNEWS: I have an amazing live version of that.

MKO: You are so cool. I hate this business. That’s why I appreciate your ‘outsider’ viewpoint.

BIGNEWS: Thanks, I appreciate that. What is it about the business that you hate the most?

MKO: Most of these movie star types listen to crap music.

BIGNEWS: Tell me about it. I asked Kevin Dillon what his favorite Sun Ra album was and he just looked at me like, ‘whuh?’ Then I looked at his CD collection.

MKO: Not very awesome, I imagine.

BIGNEWS: No, not very. (laughter) So, when do you get out of rehab?

MKO: When I get off of drugs I guess. Wish me luck.

(I make a fingers crossed gesture)

BIGNEWS: So what about these fucking dairy farmers dropping you from the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign. What a bunch of stupid fuckers those dairy farmers are. I mean these people are the bottom of the barrel. How does it feel to be treated like birdstuff on the windshield of their milk-mobiles?

MKO: It feels bad.

BIGNEWS: I can imagine. I really can. The ‘Got Milk’ people are scum. You can visit any federal penitentiary and ask the warden who the most vile inmate is there and whomever he names will be a pillar of virtue compared to the vile, stupid dairy farmer scum.

MKO: I couldn’t agree with you more.

BIGNEWS: We’re a lot alike you and I.

MKO: I’m getting that too.

BIGNEWS: You know I watched ‘Holiday In The Sun’ at least a million times.

MKO: You’re exaggerating.

BIGNEWS: Maybe I am. (laughter) Wow did you know this Kenny Rogers Chicken has a Nathan’s attached?

MKO: I didn’t. I don’t really eat.

At this point my tape recorder broke. She seemed glad. Suffice it to say we didn’t make out or even hold hands. She said she already had a boyfriend. Of course she does. It’s like that Ian Hunter song: ‘All the good ones are taken’

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