Archive for July 3, 2004

Dude Busted For In-Home Piracy

Posted in News & Commentary on July 3, 2004 by G Lopez

QUEENS, NYThe soaring popularity of electronic cameras that record sound and visuals onto a digital tape, also known as camcorders, is responsible for an surge in video piracy arrests.

Jeffrey Sandoval of Kew Gardens doesn’t remember when he first noticed the dude, but the 27-year old landscaper says he’ll never forget the dude’s “old-ass equipment.”

“It was one of those old-ass two-piece ‘VTR’ recorders, might even been beta – who knows?” Indeed nobody at Sandoval’s apartment for a private screening of ‘Juwanna Man’ on USA, was able to agree on the make or date of manufacture of the dude’s recording equipment, but no one seems to disagree that the dude was “weird.”

“Everyone was laughing like crazy at this hysterical movie and this dude was just standing there videotaping.”

By the time they collectively decided to kick the dude’s ass, the dude disappeared out the back door.

Matt Hammer tells a similar tale:

“My girlfriend and I decided to rent every Judge Reinhold movie we could find, kick back at the pad and crack open some malt liquor.” Halfway though ‘Vice Versa’ some people from the office came by, along with this dude they assumed was someone’s cousin or something.

“As we were drinking and reciting our favorite lines from ‘Ruthless People’ and ‘Fast Times at Ridgmont High’ we started to notice that this guy was actually videotaping the screen. We thought, ‘Is this dude trying to pirate our Judge Reinhold movies?’

He was, and he did. And just as easily, he slipped away into the night.

Tony Jivecity likes to dress like John Mcenroe and invite important people over to watch tennis. What he doesn’t like is weird dudes he doesn’t know with clunky video gear.

Tony’s guests assumed the private drum teacher had hired some dude to videotape one of his famous, out-of-control Wimbledon parties.

“I thought it was strange,” said Kyle Koch, “(the dude) was the only person NOT wearing a white headband.” Rather, he was clad in a red down vest, blue-blocker sunglasses and a filthy ‘E.T.’ trucker’s cap.

“Every time someone would try to deliver a message into the camera for Tony, the dude would just swat them away and zoom in on the large screen TV.”

No scuffles ensued though, as most of the party-goers were “way too fucking high” to effectively do much at all, according to witnesses.

Such was not the case at last week’s Friday night Spike-TV watching party hosted by part-time bouncer Brad Duvet.

“We were like ‘dude, seriously, stop taping the TV,’ but he just ignored us,” said the former high school wrestler, “I blacked out, but my buddies said I was slamming the dude’s skull against the driveway. Haw haw.”

Duvet collected the $500 reward offered by the MPAA to anyone who turns in video pirates and went and bought himself a vintage Laverne and Shirley pinball machine.

The alleged pirate’s name is being withheld because we forgot to ask for it.

“This is a unique case,” admitted MPAA head Jack Valenti, “We have no idea why this dude did what he did – some wack-job, perhaps, mother’s probably a drug addict or a prostitute or both. That can really screw up a kid. I should know – I read it somewhere.”