Archive for July, 2004

Dennis Miller Redefines Sucking

Posted in News & Commentary on July 22, 2004 by G Lopez

BURBANK, CA – On his daily CNBC show ‘Dennis Miller,’ Dennis Miller is changing the way people view sucking.

As thousands of cable subscribers sat frozen in a state of ‘pure existential pity and remorse,’ the 78-year old television personality disassembled the fundamental layers of sucking and put together a brand new method of sucking in a dazzling sucky display.

Superior Board of Intellects (SBI) co-chair Barry K. Lenz, has been studying the downfall of the once amusing comic from the comfort of his futon, offering various books to back up his claims, large books filled with words that he points to in order to emphasize certain phrases.

“When you look up ‘sucking’ in the dictionary,” explained Lenz, “it’s not there. ‘Suck’ is there, but not ‘sucking’ – oh wait, there it is.”

His 9 year-old son and violin prodigy Evan Shipp puts it more bluntly, “I haven’t seen someone suck this hard since Spongebob almost drown and Patrick sucked-up the whole ocean just to save him.”

Barry, who is only allowed to see his son on weekends elaborated, “On Monday, while everyone watching wished they could drink anti-freeze and die instantly, he opened the show with a Jim Jones-like plea to call a 1-800 number and ‘join’ the studio audience.

“Then, after some timely Martha Stewart two-liners which he punctuated by falling over his desk, I knew he had in fact reconstructed our entire perception of what is possible in the realm of sucking.”

Barry’s girlfriend, Tamara Wabash, a Fine Arts major at Bucolic University, expressed her views on the comedian’s performance by showing a succession of black and white stills of the program and accompanying them with catchphrases like, “hey look I’m sucking!” and “Is it hot in here or do I suck?”

Her room mate, Nygyl Vyktym – Cockney lead singer of British punk group Rottyng Entrails concurs, “‘es bloody shit, ‘es a stupid focker’

Herschel Cake, author of “The Complete Guide To Sucking” has already began a complete revision of his popular 575-page text and he’s not alone. Dale Wishcroft, author of “The Idiots Guide To Sucking” and Fran Delaware author of “The COMPLETE Idiot’s Guide to Sucking” both promise to have new editions of their respective tomes out sometime this fall.

When asked how he does it, the former late-night funnyman said, “You call this a topic? I haven’t seen reasoning this unfocused since Al Bundy tried to turn his shoe store into a nightclub. Really, I haven’t seen anyone so divorced from logic since Zsa Zsa thought she could bitch slap her way out of a parking ticket.”

And then he called me “Chachi.” Genius? Trailblazer? Shill? We shall see as the seashell sees. Of course that’s just my opinion. I could be wronger.


Mary Kate Olson Interview

Posted in News & Commentary on July 8, 2004 by G Lopez

HOLLYWOOD – Every two weeks or so, someone will accost me and tell me about how they wish they could buy a newspaper or magazine that was devoted to reporting on the ‘business of show’ – and not just one segment of show business, but a variety of aspects of the biz.

Both coasts of these here United States hunger for a Hollywood-based reporter and I give and I give and what do I get in return? I get my heart sucked from my torso, flambéed and then doused with floral scented Clorox.

Hollywood is a flaming slaughterhouse of bleached victims. Some of the victims are writhing in the streets, waiting for the bus or scanning the Musicians Wanted ads in City Beat. Others, like Mary Kate Olson, have their pain plastered in a full color gore-spread on supermarket lines across the nation. Well I won’t have it!

Whilst waiting for a taco dinner, I reached for my cell and called her people and was of course “put on hold.” This is a common tack here in Tinsletown – but six hours? So I paid them a personal visit and was treated coolly, standoffishly. Forthwith I realized they were reaching for the red security button under the desk, and I blurted out who I was and that I wrote for a program that is distributed for a show that is directed by a guy who wrote for SNL which at one point starred Wil Ferrel who will be opening a big summer comedy called ‘Dodge ball.’ That last part got their attention and they cooled out a bit. One of them offered me a beer from the mini fridge. I took it and was like ‘yeah.’

After waiting in the office four more hours, I got my interview date and was scheduled to meet Mary Kate at Kenny Rogers Fried Chicken on the world famous La Brea Avenue in Hollywood.

BIGNEWS: Thanks for taking the time, Mary Kate.

MKO: It’s your dime.

BIGNEWS: Huh? Mark Kate, in that milk poster, you’re wearing a Velvet Underground Banana T-shirt.

MKO: A what?

BIGNEWS: The banana. The Andy Warhol thing.

MKO: Oh yeah. I love him.

BIGNEWS: Lou Reed?

MKO: No. Andy Warhol. What’s the Velvet Underground?

BIGNEWS: They sang those songs in the 60s about scoring drugs. (sings) ‘I’m Waiting For My Man!’

MKO: Oh yeah that’s a great song! I Like ‘Heroin!’

BIGNEWS: ‘It’s my life and it’s my wife’

MKO: Right! Dude, we should get together after I get out of rehab, turn on the black light and put on Sister Ray. Loud!

BIGNEWS: I have an amazing live version of that.

MKO: You are so cool. I hate this business. That’s why I appreciate your ‘outsider’ viewpoint.

BIGNEWS: Thanks, I appreciate that. What is it about the business that you hate the most?

MKO: Most of these movie star types listen to crap music.

BIGNEWS: Tell me about it. I asked Kevin Dillon what his favorite Sun Ra album was and he just looked at me like, ‘whuh?’ Then I looked at his CD collection.

MKO: Not very awesome, I imagine.

BIGNEWS: No, not very. (laughter) So, when do you get out of rehab?

MKO: When I get off of drugs I guess. Wish me luck.

(I make a fingers crossed gesture)

BIGNEWS: So what about these fucking dairy farmers dropping you from the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign. What a bunch of stupid fuckers those dairy farmers are. I mean these people are the bottom of the barrel. How does it feel to be treated like birdstuff on the windshield of their milk-mobiles?

MKO: It feels bad.

BIGNEWS: I can imagine. I really can. The ‘Got Milk’ people are scum. You can visit any federal penitentiary and ask the warden who the most vile inmate is there and whomever he names will be a pillar of virtue compared to the vile, stupid dairy farmer scum.

MKO: I couldn’t agree with you more.

BIGNEWS: We’re a lot alike you and I.

MKO: I’m getting that too.

BIGNEWS: You know I watched ‘Holiday In The Sun’ at least a million times.

MKO: You’re exaggerating.

BIGNEWS: Maybe I am. (laughter) Wow did you know this Kenny Rogers Chicken has a Nathan’s attached?

MKO: I didn’t. I don’t really eat.

At this point my tape recorder broke. She seemed glad. Suffice it to say we didn’t make out or even hold hands. She said she already had a boyfriend. Of course she does. It’s like that Ian Hunter song: ‘All the good ones are taken’

Dude Busted For In-Home Piracy

Posted in News & Commentary on July 3, 2004 by G Lopez

QUEENS, NYThe soaring popularity of electronic cameras that record sound and visuals onto a digital tape, also known as camcorders, is responsible for an surge in video piracy arrests.

Jeffrey Sandoval of Kew Gardens doesn’t remember when he first noticed the dude, but the 27-year old landscaper says he’ll never forget the dude’s “old-ass equipment.”

“It was one of those old-ass two-piece ‘VTR’ recorders, might even been beta – who knows?” Indeed nobody at Sandoval’s apartment for a private screening of ‘Juwanna Man’ on USA, was able to agree on the make or date of manufacture of the dude’s recording equipment, but no one seems to disagree that the dude was “weird.”

“Everyone was laughing like crazy at this hysterical movie and this dude was just standing there videotaping.”

By the time they collectively decided to kick the dude’s ass, the dude disappeared out the back door.

Matt Hammer tells a similar tale:

“My girlfriend and I decided to rent every Judge Reinhold movie we could find, kick back at the pad and crack open some malt liquor.” Halfway though ‘Vice Versa’ some people from the office came by, along with this dude they assumed was someone’s cousin or something.

“As we were drinking and reciting our favorite lines from ‘Ruthless People’ and ‘Fast Times at Ridgmont High’ we started to notice that this guy was actually videotaping the screen. We thought, ‘Is this dude trying to pirate our Judge Reinhold movies?’

He was, and he did. And just as easily, he slipped away into the night.

Tony Jivecity likes to dress like John Mcenroe and invite important people over to watch tennis. What he doesn’t like is weird dudes he doesn’t know with clunky video gear.

Tony’s guests assumed the private drum teacher had hired some dude to videotape one of his famous, out-of-control Wimbledon parties.

“I thought it was strange,” said Kyle Koch, “(the dude) was the only person NOT wearing a white headband.” Rather, he was clad in a red down vest, blue-blocker sunglasses and a filthy ‘E.T.’ trucker’s cap.

“Every time someone would try to deliver a message into the camera for Tony, the dude would just swat them away and zoom in on the large screen TV.”

No scuffles ensued though, as most of the party-goers were “way too fucking high” to effectively do much at all, according to witnesses.

Such was not the case at last week’s Friday night Spike-TV watching party hosted by part-time bouncer Brad Duvet.

“We were like ‘dude, seriously, stop taping the TV,’ but he just ignored us,” said the former high school wrestler, “I blacked out, but my buddies said I was slamming the dude’s skull against the driveway. Haw haw.”

Duvet collected the $500 reward offered by the MPAA to anyone who turns in video pirates and went and bought himself a vintage Laverne and Shirley pinball machine.

The alleged pirate’s name is being withheld because we forgot to ask for it.

“This is a unique case,” admitted MPAA head Jack Valenti, “We have no idea why this dude did what he did – some wack-job, perhaps, mother’s probably a drug addict or a prostitute or both. That can really screw up a kid. I should know – I read it somewhere.”

Candid Camera Sued For Copyright Infringement

Posted in News & Commentary on July 1, 2004 by G Lopez

LOS ANGELES – PAX-TVs ‘Candid Camera’ is facing a lawsuit this week from a Continental Airlines flight attendant. No, the show didn’t plant hidden cameras in the airport changing room. Continental employee Paula Peterson claims ‘Candid Camera’ was her idea, and she has the napkin to prove it.

According to the suit, filed sometime mid-afternoon, Peterson pitched the idea – that of a hidden camera capturing elaborate pranks played on unwitting subjects – to a writer friend in August 2001. He in turn discussed the idea with his agent, Joel Willbury.

Soon after that fateful day over clams at Bennigan’s in Pasadena, the suit said, Peterson’s friend kept “losing her phone number.” Subsequently, the suit alleges, Willbury presented the idea to Peter Funt, son of Candid Camera creator Allen Funt, while the younger Funt was in the process of selling Candid Camera to the PAX Network.

Peterson, who claims she is no relation to Vickie Peterson of the 80s girl-group The Bangles, also claims, “there is no possible way any executive in Hollywood could have come up with this. Unknown actors portraying clerks? False arrests of minor celebrities? Public nudity? A show about real people? No way, Jose.”

Did I mention she had the napkin to prove it?

Remembering to write her idea on a cocktail napkin at the Endeavor Restaurant at LAX, Peterson then placed the napkin in a hardbound copy of ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’, a book recommended to her by her writer friend. But although she loved the book’s title, she never got around to actually reading it.

It wasn’t until a recent layover in Ohio that Paula saw her dream realized in a sort of drunken psycho-projection kaleidoscope on the TVs at a sports bar inside Columbus Airport.

“This place had a lot of TVs. I saw my idea played out on every one, on every channel and then they started spinning around and multiplying with voices mocking me to the strains of psychedelic rock music. It was freaky.”

After having water splashed on her face, Peterson picked up a nearby phonebook and called a fucking lawyer.

The suit, which claims breach of confidence, conspiracy and unjust enrichment, seeks damages of at least $10 million. Peterson hopes she can get a “ton of plastic surgery out of (the settlement)”

“If anything,” says her attorney/fiancĂ©, who is also an aspiring director, “the airport freakout would make a great scene in a movie.”